You know what man, it’s clear it didn’t mean shit to you. But the thing is- it didn’t mean shit to me either. & That’s not something you’re used to. I’m not gonna grovel at your feet like everyone else. Cause I see the real you and it’s nothing pretty.

Move along.

There’s something really toxic about being awake at 3 am. Your mind refuses to stop racing and thinking and contemplating. I can’t sleep. I can’t even close my eyes.

Such a rough night.

I just want to sink to the ocean floor and let the weight of the water crush my bones and suck the life out of me because I have nothing left to give. I’m an empty cup. And so alone.

I’ve been up all night feeling so sick and anxious. It’s never really been bad enough to get diagnosed and medicated for, but I know I have anxiety. I psych myself out so much that I puke. And I’ll shake and my heart will race. Usually for literally no reason.

I haven’t actually had that bad of an anxiety attack in weeks/months cause I’ve been so happy. But for some reason it was hell tonight. I slept for one hour but had nightmares and woke up hyperventilating. I felt weird all day really. Well, in all honesty, since Emily’s blow dryer blew up on me and I possibly got electrocuted, I’ve felt weird physically.

And then all these thoughts run through my head and I text Nelka freaking out cause my family has such bad health genes I’m petrified that I’ll get cancer or heart disease or something.

I just need my baby to hold me. So bad. I wait for her to answer my text like a little puppy.

At least I see her soon. And Nicole. This will be a good weekend once I get a solid nights sleep.

I’m exhausted.

There is truly nothing more fulfilling than sleeping next to you. And hearing your quiet breathing.

I fall more in love with you each time you exhale. Each rise and fall of your chest. Each time your scent lingers under my nose.

I always wonder what you’re dreaming of. If it’s me. Or maybe the streets of Italy where you grew up. Maybe you’re swimming in the Caribbean Ocean or buying pizza from a street vendor in a country you’ve never actually been to. Or are you dreaming at all? If I could only crawl inside your mind and lay there for a while, watching the screenplay of your thoughts. I don’t think I’d leave.

I don’t even mind being awake in the middle of the night anymore.

I’m not sure if anyone realizes this but there is a super volcano underneath Yellowstone National Park called Yellowstone Caldera, and if that thing blows, it will release such a massive and thick layer of ash and debris that the earth’s entire atmosphere will be completely blocked from the sun, creating an ice age. This is an ACTIVE, YOUTHFUL VOLCANO. 

Let’s say that it does blow, and we have people like the doomsday preppers and what not that say they are prepared…. you can not be prepared for something like this. Every speck of air you breathe in will have tiny molten rock particles that inevitably turn into glass and will harden your lungs and calcify your bones. So no one can really survive this. 

The last time this volcano erupted was 640,000 years ago, being one of three explosions. There is evidence in the layers of the earths rocks that predict it explodes every 800,000 years apart (approximately) meaning another could happen at any time. This is especially important to note because in 2010, the scientists monitoring this 34x45 square mile volcano stated that the ground was beginning to rise and fall, indicating major activity. This has since ceased. Might I also note that this volcano is so large, it would take you about an hour to drive from one end to the other. If it did explode, an estimated 87,000 people would die INSTANTLY. 

I’m only ruining your lives by telling you this so you wake up every morning thankful to be alive. This is only one of about 8 ways my crazy doomsday prepper uncle described we could become extinct, but it was the most terrifying because there’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop, prevent, or in any way yield the effects of this eruption. We are 100% helpless to it. I’ll probably be posting a lot more about other things that have been said to extinct the human race, but this is enough for today. Go hug everyone you know and eat something really unhealthy.

All I’m gonna say is don’t eat a whole weed cookie unless you have enough free time to take a trip to mars that’s all I’m sayin

I don’t think I’d change one thing about where I am in life right now. It’s so strange thinking back to this time last year, or two years ago. All I can really remember is being miserable. I was never happy for a solid chunk of time and it was mostly due to my relationships and family issues. Theoretically, relationships should fill voids you have in your heart and soul but mine always exaggerated them and I always equated it to me being sensitive and analytical. Only recently have I been able to give myself a little more credit that I so deserve…. I’m really not crazy I just hadn’t met someone decent yet. Or at the very least, decent for me.

But now I have the best girlfriend in the entire world. My flaws balance hers out and we are always pushing each other to be better people. I fucking adore this girl. I didn’t know a relationship could exist without pain. It makes me realize that any time I ever thought I was crazy for being sad over certain things or being over dramatic or thinking too far into things… I really wasn’t because this is how love is supposed to feel. I actually don’t feel like a slice of shit anymore. I don’t remember ever not feeling like a slice of shit so this is really new to me.

I feel like I’m laying on a cloud 99% of the time. I can’t wait to see her this weekend and attack her with kisses ugh my lil petal. 

Ok sorry for the sap guys I just needed to get it outttttt of my system. Ps if anyone has any really good songs they wanna send me just inbox me cause I’m updating my iPod for the endless drives to and from Salisbury.

Pss pray I get accepted cause I applied there the other day and I’m scurrrrredddddda.lsdkjfa;ljt;.