I TURN 21 TOMORROW. OMFG. My childhood is over :,(
Who wants to send me gifts?
I think I’m a little bit in love with every person I’ve ever met. I have so much inside of me, I give a little piece to everyone. I become enamored with the smallest things about people just because we are all so fascinating. All so different.
today was the worst day i’ve had in so long. i constantly feel like no one likes me. i just don’t get why. i feel like i’m nice and funny and personable. i’m opinionated, sure, but who isn’t? i think i keep getting dealt a shitty hand of cards. i would do anything to have all my friends who are spread all over just in my same town… so i could finally feel like i belong. i’m just a gross granny smith apple trying to blend in with the honey crisp ones.
but through all this, nelka is such a love. so understanding. she sits there and absorbs every word i say until she formulates any answer so that it’s perfect. i can’t even believe the truth that emanates from her mouth when she says she’ll never leave me. i’ve never believed something so much.
i could be 7,000 miles away from her and still feel so at home. and honestly, losing everyone i’ve ever lost has completely and entirely led up to me finding her.
so, there’s that.
My absolute favorite thing in the whole world is waking up next to my Nelka and hearing her little morning grunts. Watching her eyes move under her eyelids, off dreaming somewhere. She always sleeps later than me and I am so privileged to be able to spend these moments with her unknowing self. Even when she’s fast asleep, she curls up into me and lightly rests her head on my shoulder so her breathing is directed at my ear.
I don’t think anything could feel more perfect.
I just really do not have the slightest idea where to store this guilt.
I think feeling guilty over something you did to someone else is one thing, but feeling guilty over something you did to yourself is just….
On an entirely different level.
It’s amazing how easily my mood can turn to complete shit. I hate going to bed like this. Cause now I’ll wake up the same.
One can only change so much over time. The core personality of a person is indefinitely cemented in place. And that’s exactly how I know you are now, as you always have been, entirely full of shit. I just feel sorry for you.