My mom always told me that life consists of good and bad days, but mostly bad. This is so sadly true for me. I sincerely don’t remember the last time I went an entire day without being upset over something, and I’m not even a sensitive person. I’m a fucking scorpio, we don’t have feelings. Except when it comes to love or family. Then I care so deeply that it just overflows out of every pore of my body.
That’s not always how I want it. Sometimes I wish I were the type of person to be able to detatch myself easily, or just not get attached at all. Unfortunately, I’m not like that. Can’t I just be numb?
I just wish I knew how to care about what matters and not give a fuck about what doesn’t, because it always seems that when I do care, it’s inappropriate, and when I don’t care, I should. I want to be able to control my feelings.
As unrealistic as it may be, I strive to be perfect, and I will more than likely spend my entire life searching for just that.
I don’t want to have undesirable flaws. I don’t want my personality to destroy my relationships. I want to be able to love someone perfectly, because no one knows how to love me perfectly. At least then, if I never find that one person who loves as violently as I, I will die knowing that that kind of love exists. It is possible to be happy and in love at the same time.
Because love is not always happiness. People usually equate being in love with being happy. Let me tell you, no. Love is hard and love is painful. Sometimes love is as refreshing as a cool breeze that flows through you on the first day of spring, but usually not.
In the end, I’m not even me. Nina disappears. Lately, though, I have been okay with that. I don’t want to know me anymore. I want to disappear.
Could you teach me how to be something you need?
Or maybe I just want to be loved unconditionally. Why is that so hard for people? I can do that so easily, but no one else can.