Laying here, rather, sitting here, next to my phone, listening to your small quiet gasps for air during your dreams, I can’t help but wish I were next to you, feeling them on my neck… Feeling your chest pressed against my back, and your hand grasping my stomach as if you were thoroughly terrified to let go.
I’m clutching the pillow pet you bought me, which made me cry, pretending it is you. Pretending that my covers are warm from your body heat and not just my own. Placing my left foot over my right, as if it were yours playing footsie with me as you dozed off to sleep.
There were nights before we started dating where I would be doing the exact same thing, but wishing you were mine. Wishing that you weren’t already claimed by her. Wishing that I didn’t have baggage holding me back. I had no clue how or why you came into my life, but from the very moment you texted me, I knew you were supposed to be there. I had not a single doubt in my heart.
I know that life is not fair, to you, to me, or to us as a couple, but if there is one thing above all else that I do know, it’s that I would stop at nothing to keep you forever. The way you hold me, love, I can feel heat emitting from your fingertips onto my skin. I can feel the passion you hold somewhere deep inside you that is crawling to get out. I can hear the stories of your soul and the songs in your heart, all the sorrows and fears, everything you’ve never said but wanted to, everything you lost, every burden you carry. I feel that. I feel your heavy heart and I feel your tortured soul. But above all that, I feel your love for me. I feel how brightly it shines and how hot it burns within you.
I know that I am stubborn, and you have to sing a thousand love songs to me before I will believe a word you say, and for that I am sorry. In my defense, you know this is me. You’ve known all along. I warned you I was crazy. But, you love me for it, and I believe that your patience for me is growing. Thank you.
There are no measure of words to say how much I love you. I am not a poet. I can’t write you a thousand poems, or a thousand songs. I can’t paint you a picture, or buy you everything you want. Just trust that I do, with everything I am, everything I own and love, every thread of my existence, love you. I will never stop trying to be your superman. I will never give up on making you smile when you are ready to hang yourself. I will never walk away when you need me most. I give you my word that I will stand tall for you. Even if I am the last one standing.
One day soon, actually, (theoretically) in exactly 183 days, we will no longer have to live in this agonizing distance. We won’t fight because it’s hard for you to show your love when we aren’t together. We won’t struggle to be alone every night, and to wake up to an empty pillow every morning. You won’t have to miss our friends, or feel out of place in that miserable school you go to. You won’t have to deal with your parents making you feel low, putting you last on their list. I will finally be able to have the time to make you feel like a whole person again. I don’t know that you’ve ever had that. I don’t really think you have. With every beat of my heart, I want that more and more. I want to love you. I want to show you that I can be your best friend, your lover, your safety, your cuddle buddy, your punching bag, your cook and maid, your fuck buddy. I can be all of those things if you just give me a chance. If life will just give me a chance.
I promise you things are not as bad as you think. I know you can fight through this. I know that you heart and soul are not missing forever. Pull through this with me, because I can’t do it alone. I need you. You are so good at being mine, so good at keeping my head on my shoulders and not on the floor. You just have to remember how to do it.
Until then, dream with me. Dream of happiness that is yet to come. Dream of our cozy room and our cozy life. Dream of letting go of the burdens of your childhood, and moving on to a new chapter with me. Closing the old one and laying it on the shelf to collect dust. Dream of road trips with me, staying in hotels together and waking up to a hot pot of tea and a warm batch of cookies. Dream of spending all four seasons together, moving with them, growing with them, changing with them, as a couple and as individuals. Just dream.